AgResearch announced today that Fielding sharemilker Darren Booth is unable to pour piss out of a rubber gumboot. Booth, 32, has long been the subject of suspicion in the wider Manawatu district but the latest revelation is certain to make him an outcast in the rural community.
Dr Lesley Phelps, lead researcher on the project, said Booth was subject to a battery of piss-pouring tests and failed every one. “We gave him every possible opportunity” said Phelps. “We tried with Skellerup, Red Band – hell we even imported some of those poncy green Wellington things from the UK. No go.”
Phelps, visibly agitated and smelling faintly of urine, went on to explain that in piss-pouring, aim is everything.
“Look, how hard can it be? The experimental protocol is quite straightforward. You hand the guy a full gumboot, and you ask him to pour the contents into a six-inch drain. And what happens?”
“I’ll tell you what happens. It goes everywhere. All over him, all over me, everywhere. Anywhere except down the bloody drain.”
Booth was tested not only on different brands of gumboot, but also with different types of urine.
“We tried everything”, said Phelps. “Everything. If you can find it on a farm and it urinates, we tried it. Cow, horse, pig – those were easy enough. Goat – have you ever tried to get a goat to piss on demand?”
“We tried human urine – his own, his wife’s, hell, even I contributed at one point.” He shuddered. “The worst, and I do mean the worst, was the cat pee. That stuff burns.”
Phelps held up a stained and reeking gumboot trailing a thick bundle of wires. “We were monitoring pressure, temperature and flow rate for him.”
“All he had to do was pour”, he said sadly.
Federated Farmers issued a statement saying the New Zealand public should continue to have confidence in rural workers and that one rotten apple should not reflect badly on the rest.
Meanwhile AgResearch has confirmed it is lobbying the government for the necessary funds to construct a wet paper bag.