Cricket fans on both sides of the Tasman are quietly welcoming the cancellation of both country’s scheduled tours as their governments seek to slow the spread of COVID-19.
For years supporters around the world have been hiding a shameful secret – from their families, from each other and it seems, even from themselves.
“For years I kept telling myself I liked cricket, but the truth is I actually can’t stand the game”, explained one man we spoke to on condition of strict anonymity. “But that’s not a socially acceptable attitude in New Zealand.” The unbearable strain of maintaining a cricket-positive facade diametrically opposed to his true orientation has led to a lifetime of substance abuse and self-harm. “For a long time I thought there must be something wrong with me. Everybody else seemed to like it. And when I finally came out to my parents, they disowned me. It took my father six months to admit he felt precisely the same way.”
“This isn’t something you can change – sports orientation isn’t just a trendy lifestyle choice.”
Psychologists we consulted went further and explained that “orientation” was a misleading term as it implied there might exist a segment of the population that actually enjoyed cricket.
“Objectively, we know that’s not the case. The data are conclusive – for anyone with an IQ higher than about 70, forced exposure to 20 minutes of cricket causes the same mental distress as 24 hours in a sensory deprivation chamber.”
“Except the English. For some reason the English have an unlimited tolerance to the game.”
The Moa spoke with Brandon Ferguson-Smythe, Chairman of the Mosgiel Cricket Club, who is in the process of cancelling the buses and accommodation the club had arranged for the various matches his members felt obligated to attend.
“You have no idea of the sense of relief. Playing Friday’s One Day International to an empty stadium in Sydney was a good start, but the decision to cancel the tour entirely is the sort of news we could only dream of. Finally we can stop pretending.”
Ferguson-Smythe explained that while playing to an empty stand was a step in the right direction, fans were still expected to congregate in clubrooms or pubs to endure the live broadcast, albeit with ready access to alcohol to numb the pain.
“Whereas if the matches are cancelled completely, the fans are completely free to get on with doing things they actually enjoy, such as helping their wives with the shopping, or watching wet paint dry.”
At the mention of the paint, a faraway expression appeared in his eyes and he added “You have no idea just how much there is to appreciate in drying paint.”