As part of its response to the global downturn in air travel caused by the COVID-19 virus, Air New Zealand is to introduce a new “Cattle Class” offering on its long-haul flights, according to Chief Executive Greg Foran.
He went on to explain that the term is not a euphemism for their existing economy offering; rather the airline will be physically transporting actual livestock and has reconfigured two Boeing 777-300ER aircraft for the purpose with wider aisles, reinforced floors and cattle grids at every door.
“Essentially this re-visions our long-haul routes to Asia and North America, particularly Houston, into a partnership with the live beef export industry.”
The airline’s Seat Select system will be programmed to ensure that no passenger finds themselves seated next to a cow. “Unless of course they want to be”, he added.
There would be a veterinarian on board to ensure the animals’ welfare and to guarantee that any beast which threatened the safety of the aircraft could be quickly and painlessly euthanised. “There are synergies here with the Business Premier menu options”, explained Foran.
Asked if human passengers might not be traumatised by the on-board slaughter he went on to explain that after ten hours in the air, any kind of diversion is welcome. “Which is something our caterers have exploited for years.”
“We polled a wide cross section of our Airpoints membership, and the response was overwhelmingly positive. Our passengers already put up with screaming toddlers, and their feedback suggests they would actually prefer the cattle.”
On the subject of stock control Foran was less forthcoming but emphasised that cabin crew would be provided with all necessary training and equipment. When pressed specifically about the use of electric cattle prods in flight he responded with “Definitely not. At least, not on the animals.”
“We have had some technical challenges, particularly around the capacity of the holding tanks. But as the crews on our Los Angeles sector will attest, there’s nothing a cow can produce we haven’t seen already.”
“I’m particularly proud of our engineering team who made the modifications in record time, as well as welding up the new galvanised railings in the air bridges at Auckland and Christchurch.”
We enquired about lounge access.
“If a cow manages to accrue the necessary status points then naturally we’d extend them the same welcome as any other guest. Although given the one-way nature of most of our anticipated bovine bookings, it seems unlikely.”