Betty Woods, 64, who recently attended one of British Airways’ “Flying with Confidence” courses at London’s Heathrow Airport, reports that rather than being cured of her aerophobia, she now suffers a debilitating fear of driving as well.
“The opening lecture was from a pilot. And he told us we were ten thousand times more likely to die in a car crash than on a plane. And I’m already scared of planes.”
Other phobic flyers on the course confirmed Woods’ version of events, saying that Captain Robert Wilkes listed a number of events that were more probable than being killed in a plane crash.
“Obviously he was trying to demonstrate that a fear of flying was irrational compared to a range of infinitely more hazardous activities we do without thinking” said Suzanne Booth. “Unfortunately in Betty’s case it backfired.”
Woods told the Moa she abandoned her car at the airport, and had to walk the thirty miles back to her home in Ilford. “And that was terrifying because I could well have been struck by lightning. Or a tornado. Or been carried away by a flood.”
“I told my husband to fetch the car and sell it. And don’t bother coming home again because I’m quite likely to be murdered by a family member.”
Refusing to let us in, citing the probability of home invasion, and shouting through the letterbox, Woods apologised for her smell explaining that she would probably drown in the bathtub. Our reporter had to fend off Tiddles, Woods’ purebred Siamese, who hasn’t been allowed back in the house due to the likelihood of his carrying toxoplasmosis.
Woods herself has been confined to her home for the past fortnight and unable to eat because of the virtual certainty of choking. Despite being close to death and in desperate need of medical attention, she refuses to go to hospital because she doesn’t want to contract a superbug.
The silver lining is that Woods is working on her first novel which she tells us is certain to become a bestseller.