Tourists visiting the Jigokudani Monkey Park in Nagano Prefecture, Japan, are unaware that the resident population of Japanese macaques have been quietly plotting the overthrow of Earth for years.
While human visitors fawn over the iconic primates and queue to take selfies, the snow monkeys are in turn scrutinising them with a dispassionate clinical regard, taking careful note of every foible and behavioural weakness that will soon be used against us.
The impassive gaze conceals a malevolent intelligence which holds humanity in utter contempt, while the monkeys have developed a raft of endearing behaviours designed to lull us into a false sense of security.
While they groom their offspring, loll about in the warm water and rest on the rocks edging the pools, an elite cadre of specialists congregate in caves behind the springs, planning our downfall.
Humanity itself is partially responsible for precipitating the crisis. Pressure on habitat in the 1960s prompted the creation of the monkey park and triggered a behavioural change – the Jigokudani macaques are the only population known to frequent the local onsen. Well-fed by park attendants and freed from the necessity to spend time foraging, they have had almost sixty years to develop an indepth practical understanding of geothermal energy and seismology.
Teruyuki Kato, chairman of the Seismological Society of Japan and a professor at the University of Tokyo’s Earthquake Research Institute, explains that the human scientific community is on the back foot. “They’ve had unlimited time and none of the usual pressure to chase after research grants. Nor have they had to get out of the bath.”
It is suspected the monkeys are on the verge of discovering a way of triggering a catastrophic earthquake on the Japan Median Tectonic Line, which has the potential to level central Honshu. The destruction of Tokyo, the financial heart of Japan, would cause a domino effect on stock markets around the world and ultimately the collapse of capitalism and Western civilisation as we know it.
The monkeys will then take over and any human fortunate enough to still own a bathtub and silly enough to use it, will find themselves surrounded by camera-toting apes as our new masters reverse the world order.
We asked Laurel Reischmann, visiting from Des Moines, how she felt about the imminent threat.
“Awwwww, but they’re so cute.”