Bake Off squirrel gets own show

“Nuts”, the conspicuously well-endowed grey squirrel catapulted into stardom after his appearance on the Great British Bake Off, is to star in his own show the BBC confirmed overnight.

Love Productions, whose camera work was responsible for Nuts’ fame in the first place, has been commissioned to produce a lifestyle programme fronted by the squirrel, and targeting the aspirational rodent demographic. Nuts himself will present a segment provisionally titled “Better Relationships”, although the show’s 10pm timeslot and the presenter’s attributes suggest that may be somewhat understated.

A spokesperson for the production company, Hayden Barker-Mills, told the Moa “Of course we’re simply ecstatic to be working with Nuts again. He’s such a consumate professional and the um…. well, they give him an undeniable camera presence.”

BBC commissioning editor Emma Chartwell was more direct. “Nuts is the most recognised squirrel of his generation” she said. “Or at least, his genitalia are.”

Asked if she was confident the company had the capacity to take on an extra production while shooting the ninth series of Bake Off, Chartwell replied “Ultimately that’s a matter for them, but I do understand there are some synergies to be exploited.”

“Paul [Hollywood] will be mentoring Nuts” she explained. “No, I’m sorry I’ve got that wrong; Nuts will be mentoring Paul” she corrected.

The decision to cast a grey squirrel when there are large numbers of unemployed red squirrels in Scotland has caused controversy.

Boris Johnson weighed in to the debate saying “This is precisely the reason so many people voted for Brexit. Greys have been taking the jobs of hard-working red squirrels for years, and the sooner we leave the EU and ship these animals back where they came from, the better.” A short while later his office was forced to issue a correction. “Obviously we understand that grey squirrels are American but the principle’s the same.”

Nuts’ agent issued a statement “Nuts finds that sort of cheap accusation extremely hurtful, and would like it to be known his family has been in the UK for generations. Hundreds of generations.”

Former Bake Off co-host Mary Berry is furious. Speaking from an undisclosed location, but suspected to be the Priory Hospital rehabilitation clinic, she hissed “That little shit. Alwaysh wash trying to steal the limelight. What’sh he got that I’ve haven’t?”, she asked rhetorically. “Oh, of course. Ha ha bloody ha.”

“Bloody vermin.”

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