Toilet seat left up

The contested resource

In a move which analysts say can only heighten tensions in his Lower Hutt household, Bob Jenkins, 54, deliberately left the toilet seat up Sunday afternoon.

His wife Lynette promptly retaliated by withdrawing herself from the joint sexual congress scheduled for later that night in a tit-for-tat exchange which has brought the relationship to the brink of war.

This isn’t the first overt provocation by the rogue spouse as Jenkins seeks to increase his autonomy within the household. Recent infringements include leaving toenail clippings in the basin and peeing in the shower – each one an act of defiance against what Jenkins perceives to be the undue influence of his wife over domestic affairs.

Contention between the two powers for the limited resources of the toilet was previously governed by NJTSA, the Negotiated Joint Toilet Seat Agreement, brokered by the Jenkins’ daughter. The terms of NJTSA bound both parties to leave the toilet seat down under the doctrine of “Most Common Use”. Bob Jenkins’ unilateral action has effectively ripped up that agreement; he¬†argues that Most Common Use is out of date and progressive thinking now favours Set It How You Need It, or SIHYNI.

An emergency session of the United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution urging the parties to participate in mediation but Lynette Jenkins’ demand that the toilet seat be repositioned immediately in the down position proved an intractable sticking point.

As the crisis moves into its second day, Russia has just vetoed a resolution by the Security Council condemning Jenkins’ toilet brinksmanship, saying the state of the toilet seat was a purely internal matter for the Jenkins to resolve themselves, and that Bob Jenkins was merely demonstrating that he was “a strong and manly leader.”

In a show of unity with the beleaguered husband, Vladimir Putin has invited him to a high-level summit to be held at his dacha outside Moscow, where the two are expected to leave the toilet seat up for the entire weekend.

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